Prioritizing Your Relationship Amid Holiday Chaos

By Michelle Cantrell, LPCC

No matter which holidays you and your partner(s) celebrate, there’s one seasonal experience we’re all susceptible to – holiday stress. Recent reports found that 81% of people say they are more stressed during the holiday season, with 48% of people reporting increased tension in romantic relationships. While stressful situations may be inevitable, the way you and your partner(s) react to those stressful situations is up to you all. Prioritizing your partner(s) during the holidays provides a safe place to recover from difficult situations and can even serve to strengthen your emotional connection and intimacy.

The Impact of Holiday Chaos on Relationships

The holidays can be stressful for many reasons: extra responsibilities and logistics, tensions that can arise from bringing together groups of people who don’t usually mix, differing or conflicting expectations around family time, less alone or decompression time, etc.

Among all the chaos, we hope to be able to rely on our partner(s) to support and ground us, but oftentimes, partners can find the extra stress driving them apart instead of together. Perhaps you feel that you are taking on the bulk of the additional responsibilities, leading to anger and frustration at your partner(s). Other stressors may be out of your and your partner(s)’ control – for example, the stress of gathering with family that doesn’t embrace your partner(s) or relationship(s) (this is especially true for those in queer and polyamorous relationships). Once you return to a safe space, i.e. your partner(s)’ company, this stress (and deep hurt) can erupt and undeservingly get directed at your partner(s).

With a little intention and care, you can avoid triggering unnecessary conflict with your partner(s), and hopefully experience a little extra joy and ease this holiday season!

Simple Ways to Stay Connected During the Holidays

1. Schedule Time Together

Try to set aside even 30 minutes a day to connect, whether it’s a morning coffee chat, an evening walk, or a TV break. Do your best to set aside distractions and practice trying to stay present. 

2. Communicate Your Needs

Some partners find it helpful to discuss expectations, commitments, and potential stressors ahead of time. If your holiday calendar fills up fast, you might sit down and decide together which events will be a priority. As for identifying potential stressors, take some time to reflect on years past. “Last year I felt really anxious when I was left alone to prepare dinner with your mom. Can I be assigned to shopping this year instead?”

A little preparation will go a long way, but of course, it’s impossible to predict everything that can happen. Continuing to check in is so important – if not in the moment, during the daily together time you’ve set aside. 

3. Practice Gratitude Together

Gratitude practices are beneficial all year long, but especially thematic as Thanksgiving approaches. Consider sharing one thing about your partner(s) you’re thankful for each day.

4. Say No When Necessary

Setting boundaries is incredibly important to protecting both individual needs and time spent together as partners. Don’t be afraid to say: “We’re so grateful for the invite, but we’ll need to pass this time.” Unfortunately, there are some folks who won’t take this so well – who may try to make you feel guilty for saying no. Family time is important – and your partner(s) are just as much family as anyone else, so you have every right to protect and treasure that time together.

Leaning on Each Other During Stressful Moments

Here are some phrases that might be useful for you and your partner(s) during stressful moments:

• "I can see why this is so stressful for you. I’m here for you."

• "No matter what happens, we’ll handle it as a team."

• "You’re doing an amazing job, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now."

• "Let’s take it one step at a time."

• "What can I do to make this easier for you?"

• "I love you, and I’m so grateful for all you do."

If these specific phrases don’t resonate, try asking yourself these questions: 

• How can I make my partner feel validated in their feelings?

• How can I reassure my partner that everything is going to be okay?

• How can I encourage my partner, letting them know they’re doing a good job and that they’re capable?

• How can I offer my help, specifically or generally?

• How can I make my partner feel appreciated?

The answer to these questions may be in words or actions or both. Some potential supportive actions include: physical touch (a hug, a back rub), acts of service (taking over a task or preparing something comforting like a cup of tea), being present and listening, providing a distraction or humor, and encouraging relaxation (suggesting a walk or taking a few minutes away from a stressful situation). 

Don’t Forget to Celebrate Each Other

If nothing else, Thanksgiving for many serves as an opportunity to take time off from other responsibilities and spend time with loved ones. Especially in relationships where all partners work full time, the holiday season may be one of the few or only times a year where partners have shared time off. Don’t let the stress of the holidays strain this cherished time with each other! And don’t forget to tell your partner(s) why you’re so, so grateful for them and their love.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.