How to Know When To Seek Couples Therapy

While stigma around therapy is generally seeming to lessen, many couples still find it difficult to consider pursuing relationship counseling. I believe this is for two main reasons:

1. Fear or shame around what being in couples therapy could mean – it may threaten to make the unresolved relationship issues that the couple is experiencing feel bigger or more real. This may be especially true for couples who have not previously experienced much conflict, or who see themselves as a couple who “never fights” (/are labeled this way by others).

2. Many couples are used to attempting to resolve conflicts solely between the two of them. Bringing a third person into the conversation may at first seem awkward or even like a breach of intimacy.

I’d like to challenge both of those beliefs here. While some couples may only decide to pursue counseling once they’ve reached a near breaking point, therapy for couples can absolutely be a positive, proactive step in strengthening one’s relationship. Entering marriage counseling does not have to mean that a couple is near breaking up or getting divorced, or that the “magic” of their relationship is gone. As time goes on, we grow and change and our environments and life circumstances do too. It makes sense that these changes could create new relationship struggles or exacerbate old ones between partners in a long term relationship. It also makes sense that new conflicts may require new kinds of support.

This is where a couples therapist comes in. While bringing your issues to a person outside of the relationship can absolutely feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, it’s important to keep in mind that your therapist is ultimately there to help you and your partner develop conflict management strategies to be used between yourselves, eventually without the continued assistance of the therapist. Of course, counselors also have the benefit of being able to play a “mediator” role and offer a more neutral perspective, which can be especially helpful when emotions are very heightened. 

Let me make it clear: couples counseling is not only for relationships that are “on the brink” or highly volatile. You can even be one of those couples who “never fights” (although, c’mon, that’s a pretty unrealistic standard to hold yourself to) and still benefit from couples counseling. In addition to conflict resolution, marriage therapy can also improve communication in relationships and deepen emotional connection.

Below you’ll find some signs of relationship problems that might mean you and your partner could benefit from couples counseling.

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Common Signs You Need Marriage Counseling

1. Communication Breakdowns

• Difficulty expressing feelings or having meaningful conversations.
• Frequent misunderstandings or misinterpretations.
• Conversations feel tense, rushed, or avoidant.
• One or both partners feel unheard or disconnected.

2. Growing Emotional Distance

• Partners stop spending quality time together.
• Lack of affection or emotional support.
• Feeling more like roommates than intimate partners.
• Emotional needs are ignored or neglected.

3. Frequent or Unresolved Conflict

• The same issues keep resurfacing in arguments.
• Arguments are heated but don’t lead to resolution.
• One or both partners feel frustrated and helpless.
• Communication during conflicts becomes more defensive or antagonistic.

4. Lack of Trust or Betrayal

• Secrets, dishonesty, or hiding things from each other.
• One partner struggles to trust the other, even in small matters.
• Past betrayals (e.g., infidelity) continue to impact the relationship.
• Feeling suspicious or paranoid about your partner’s actions.

5. Feeling Stuck or Unhappy

• A general sense of dissatisfaction or boredom.
• Not feeling excited about the relationship or its future.
• Uncertainty about your role or goals within the partnership.
• One or both partners wonder if things can improve or if they should stay together.

If you recognize any of these warning signs in yourself or your partner, it might be time to reach out for help. Acknowledging issues in your relationship can be very emotional, but it’s the first step to a healthier, happier future for both you and your partner. Here are some things you can look forward to in your therapy journey together, to help you better answer the question: “Is couples therapy right for us?”

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Benefits of Couples Therapy

1. Improved Communication Skills

• Learn how to listen actively and speak openly without judgment.
• Develop tools to express emotions and needs more clearly.
• Reduce misunderstandings and improve everyday conversations.
• Build empathy by truly understanding your partner’s perspective.

2. Regaining Emotional Intimacy in Relationships

• Reconnect on a deeper, more meaningful level.
• Rediscover physical and emotional affection.
• Address feelings of emotional neglect or distance.
• Create a safe space to express vulnerabilities and desires.

3. Conflict Resolution Strategies

• Learn healthy ways to manage and resolve disagreements.
• Shift from negative cycles of conflict to constructive discussions.
• Develop compromise and negotiation skills that strengthen the relationship.
• Work toward collaborative solutions rather than “winning” arguments.

4. Restoring Trust

• Explore the root causes of trust issues (e.g., past betrayals or insecurities).
• Create transparency and rebuild confidence in one another.
• Strengthen accountability and reliability in the relationship.
• Work together to heal from past wounds and create a trustworthy environment.

5. Strengthening the Relationship

• Address long-term issues before they become bigger problems.
• Create shared goals and visions for the future.
• Increase emotional and physical connection, promoting a stronger bond.
• Foster a deeper sense of commitment and mutual respect.

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We truly believe that any long term relationship can benefit from couples counseling at some point. After all, people are complex, which means relationships between them can be doubly so! Seeking relationship help is nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, and we can assure you that the earlier you choose to do so, the easier it will be to address the issues you’re struggling with. 

Not sure where to start? There are plenty of therapists out there who will offer services to couples, but we recommend looking for a clinician who specifically says that they have training and specializes in relationship therapy. Our therapists here at the Center for Growth and Connection are trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, a structured, evidence-based approach to couples counseling which has been shown to improve marital satisfaction.

If you and your partner are seeking couples therapy, we are here to help. Schedule a free twenty minute consultation call with one of our clinicians here.