What is Your Communication Style?

‍What is your communication style, and why is understanding communication styles important? Your communication style describes how you typically express yourself in interactions with others. It can predict both how you might respond to interactions as well as the kinds of interactions you tend to initiate (or avoid initiating). Each communication style has potential benefits as well as potential issues, and understanding the different communication styles can help improve your communication in all of your relationships, including platonic, romantic, professional, familial, etc. Any time you interact with someone, being able to identify their communication style as well as being aware of your own can help you approach the interaction with more intention and clarity, which in turn can help you build stronger, healthier relationships, avoid unnecessary conflict, and better reach your collaborative goals.

This blogpost will explore the four main communication styles: assertive, passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, as well as give tips for adapting your communication style to different situations to achieve better personal expression and empathetic understanding.

What Are the Four Main Communication Styles?

Let’s look at the four main communication styles, adapting a simple – even classic – example to each one. Let’s say the trash can is full and you want your partner to take it out – after all, somebody has to do it, and haven’t you done it the last three times?

Which approach do you take?

Assertive: Clear, direct, and respectful; expresses thoughts, feelings, and needs.

You want your partner to take out the trash … so you say in a calm, neutral tone: “Hey, would you take the trash out today? I’ve taken care of it the past few times.”

Passive: Avoids expressing thoughts, feelings, or needs, often leading to unspoken frustrations.

You want your partner to take out the trash … but you’re worried about starting a fight. You swallow your annoyance and take out the trash yourself.

Aggressive: Overpowering, often disrespectful or threatening, intended to dominate or control. Thoughts, feelings, and needs may or may not be expressed; if they are, they are often done so in a highly emotional way.

You want your partner to take out the trash … so you tell them they need to take it out right now. Despite the fact that they’re an adult, fully in control of their own decisions, you insist that they can’t continue on with their day until they’ve done it.

Passive-Aggressive: Indirect; feelings are expressed through sarcasm, stubbornness, or subtle resistance.

You want your partner to take out the trash … so you let it continue to pile higher and higher, until the lid won’t shut anymore. You refuse to take it out yourself, convinced that the now-overflowing trash can will communicate what you refuse to: somebody’s gotta do something about this!

How Different Communication Styles Lead to Issues

Looking at the examples above, you may already have an idea of the pros and cons that come along with each communication style, but let’s delve a little deeper. 

Assertive Style:

• Pros: Healthy expression, promotes respect, and fosters understanding.
• Potential Issues: May be perceived as too blunt or insensitive in certain situations.

You communicated exactly what needs to be done and why it needs to be done. Hopefully your partner responds with equal calmness and respect and takes out the trash, no problem. But if your partner isn’t used to assertive communication – especially if they are a passive communicator and are used to being around other passive communicators – they may have a hard time being asked directly to take out the trash. They may hear you say, “Hey, would you take the trash out today?” and think that you’re angry with them or criticizing them (even though you’re not!). 

Passive Style:

• Pros: Avoids conflict, can be perceived as agreeable or accommodating.
• Potential Issues: May result in bottled-up emotions, resentment, and unmet needs.

The trash got taken out, and you and your partner avoided any conflict. But now you’re feeling annoyed – I’m always the one who has to take care of this –  and eventually those emotions have to go somewhere. Perhaps you take them out on someone else who really doesn’t deserve it – snapping at the dog when he gets in your way – or perhaps you bottle up your emotions for so long that you finally do find yourself yelling at your partner the next time the trash fills up.

Aggressive Style:

• Pros: Direct and clear, can help assert control in situations requiring firmness.
• Potential Issues: Can lead to hurt feelings, conflict escalation, and damaged relationships due to its confrontational nature.

You’ve clearly communicated what you need from your partner, and they might obey you more quickly and without protest because they recognize that you’re upset and are afraid of upsetting you further. However, you’re using power over your partner to get them to do what you want, and this dynamic will inevitably lead to issues later down the road. Or, they may respond with anger back, and the situation ends up blowing up into a huge fight.

Passive-Aggressive Style:

• Pros: Appears to avoid direct confrontation while expressing dissatisfaction.
• Potential Issues: Leads to confusion, unresolved conflict, and lack of trust, as others may not understand the true feelings behind the behavior.

Your partner may get the message and take out the trash, and you’ve avoided a potentially messy interaction (no pun intended). But if they don’t get the message, the trash will continue to pile up until the kitchen starts to stink and trash is falling out onto the floor and now you’re even more frustrated!

Tips for Adapting Your Communication Style

Your natural communication style is likely going to work better in some situations and with some individuals than others. Learning to adapt your communication style in ways that still feel authentic to you will help you express yourself more effectively, avoid unnecessary conflict, and better achieve your intended outcome. 

For Assertive Communicators:

• Tip: Be mindful of tone and delivery to avoid coming off as overly blunt or dismissive.
• Adaptation: Practice active listening and show patience with those who may not be as direct in their communication style.‍

For Passive Communicators:

• Tip: Learn to express your needs and boundaries clearly, even if it feels uncomfortable.
• Adaptation: Try to speak up in situations where it’s important to be heard, and practice self-advocacy in both personal and professional settings.‍

For Aggressive Communicators:

• Tip: Practice speaking with respect, taking pauses to ensure your message is received without overwhelming others.
• Adaptation: Try to be mindful of others’ feelings, use “I” statements, and avoid dominating conversations.

For Passive-Aggressive Communicators:

• Tip: Be direct in expressing concerns or frustrations rather than resorting to indirect tactics.
• Adaptation: Practice honesty and transparency in communication, aiming to resolve conflicts openly instead of letting frustrations fester.

Conclusion

While you can’t endlessly bend yourself to meet others’ needs, adapting your communication approach is a necessary strategy to effectively working with others and achieving your communication goals. It will help you exercise empathy towards’ others’ needs while better meeting your own. At the end of the day, there’s always a reason behind every interaction initiated – whether that’s pure self expression, exchange of information, relationship building, or – because someone needs to take out the trash. 

Therapy can help you better understand your dominant communication style as well as develop strategies for adapting it in a way that is productive, compassionate, and genuine. Start improving your communication skills today by scheduling a free twenty-minute consultation with one of our therapists.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.