Common Communication Barriers in Relationships

Effective communication in relationships is essential for fostering trust, strengthening bonds, building emotional intimacy, and resolving conflicts. Communication issues in relationships are very common – maybe to some degree unavoidable – but can be extremely damaging to the relationship and the individuals in it if left unaddressed. This blogpost will go through some of the most common communication barriers couples face as well as guidance on overcoming them, improving relationship communication overall.

Physical Distance

Partners in physically-distanced relationships can face a unique set of communication challenges. Long-distance partners typically rely heavily on digital forms of communication, which can be more susceptible to misunderstandings because of a lack or limitation of in-person social cues (vocal tone, facial expressions, body language, gestures, touch) that would normally help to clarify meaning. No doubt, regular communication in long distance relationships requires intention and effort; it asks each partner to carve out dedicated time and space from their physical lives. The additional friction to communicating with a long-distance partner may result in less communication overall or an avoidance of communication about certain topics (like ones that are more emotionally charged). 

There are plenty of strategies that long-distance couples can use to improve or maintain healthy communication. I would say the most important place to start is getting on the same page about communication frequency. Of course, this will likely fluctuate depending on life circumstances, but having a baseline is still helpful information – it can help partners recognize when they are in periods of under-communication and come up with a plan for managing that. 

Once you and your long-distance partner have decided how often you can expect to communicate, it might be helpful to schedule regular check-ins. Again, these can be flexible, but regardless they will help you be more conscious about how often you’re communicating. Prioritizing regular phone/video calls can help you connect with your partner (as opposed to relying mostly on instant messaging) and, especially when approaching more serious and emotional conversation topics, help you avoid miscommunications because of the additional emotional and social cues that texting lacks (tone of voice, facial expressions, possibly body language).

Lastly, get creative with the ways you regularly connect and communicate. One advantage of a long distance relationship is it can make the opportunities for communication that you do have feel even more meaningful. The best ways to uniquely connect with your partner are going to be specific to you all, but keep an eye out for a blogpost in the future with some ideas and suggestions.

Emotional Walls

It seems obvious that physical distance makes communication more difficult. But what if you and your partner frequently share the same physical space – maybe you even live together – and yet you still find yourself under-communicating or misunderstanding each other? If you or your partner are struggling with emotional distance, it won’t necessarily matter how much time you spend together or how close you are physically. Emotional walls in relationships will make you feel a million miles apart.

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style are especially likely to be emotionally withdrawn, which can make communication difficult or even impossible. It may be harder to get on the same page, to understand how they’re feeling, and to achieve authentic emotional intimacy.

The presence of emotional walls can be frustrating for both the emotionally avoidant person and for the people trying to form close relationships with them. It’s important to realize that emotionally avoidant behavior exists for a reason – it’s a protective measure. Attachment theory says that, “in response to parenting behaviour, [a] child creates a set of mental models of itself and of others in social interactions … based on repeated interactions with significant others. These early attachment relations are thought to be crucial for later social relationships.” (Source) Whether or not someone identifies with an anxious attachment style or can draw an easy correlation between their early attachments and current relationships, all of our behaviors exist for a reason, including the tendency to put up emotional walls. Compassion for these reasons and patience in working through them are the key to overcoming this communication barrier.

For advice on overcoming emotional walls, check out some of the tips in our blog post on cultivating authentic vulnerability. 

Misinterpretations & Assumptions

Misunderstandings happen to everybody, and sometimes assumptions are helpful – they’re a necessary communication shortcut. But frequent misunderstandings and assumptions can also become a huge communication barrier, especially with those for whom communication comes less naturally.

Generally speaking, I think we’d all get along better – feel less angry with each other and more compassionate – if we stopped making so many assumptions about other people’s intentions. We all do it – cuss out a driver who definitely cut us off on purpose (well, people are assholes), send an angry text to our roommate for leaving the kitchen a mess (they’re apathetic and lazy), roll our eyes at someone whose story is going on too long (self-absorbed, obviously). While apathetic, self-absorbed assholes certainly do exist, you’ll probably realize there’s a lot less of them than you thought if you approach those sorts of situations with curiosity rather than judgement.

Asking clarifying questions as well as practicing reflective listening (summarizing what you think the other person is saying back to them so they can confirm or further explain) will help you and your partner overcome this communication barrier.

Differences in Communication Styles

People develop their own communication habits (consciously and subconsciously) based on their personality and experiences. These communication habits can often fit into one of four categories, or communication styles: assertive, passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. Partners with differing and especially contrasting communication styles may face additional challenges to communicating effectively. 

Understanding your and your partner’s dominant communication styles is the first step. Our most recent blogpost, What is Your Communication Style? will help you with identifying different communication styles as well as give you tips for communicating better within each one. After doing some research, you and your partner may discuss your preferred ways of communicating – what works and doesn’t work for each of you. These are different for every person, but the better you know yourself and your tendencies, the easier it will be to ask for what you need in order to better understand and connect with your partner.

It can frustrating or discouraging to recognize differing or contrasting communication styles in relationships. It’s important to work towards accepting your partner as they are and understanding that however they learned to communicate up until this point was for good reason, even if it now has negative impacts on themselves or others. You shouldn’t try to change your or your partner’s communication style, but instead practice strategies to adapt and meet each other in the middle. Patience and compassion are key.

Technology Overload

As has been already mentioned in the context of long-distance relationships, digital forms of communication come with their own set of potential issues. But it’s not just long-distance relationships that rely heavily on digital communication; many couples use texting to keep up frequent communication when not in each other’s company. There’s nothing wrong with this necessarily, but it’s still good to be mindful about the kinds of conversations you and your partner are having remotely versus in person.

Additionally, the heavy presence of digital technology, especially smartphones, in all of our lives can be a huge source of distraction that can prevent couples from connecting when they are spending time together. Consider setting some boundaries around technology usage, like agreeing on designated times where phones are off and away and attention is reserved primarily for each other.‍

Stress & External Factors

If you and your partner start experiencing increased communication issues, it might be due to the presence of external factors. Especially in periods of high-stress or busyness, even those who don’t generally struggle with communication issues may find communicating more difficult. Emotional exhaustion from overworking or burnout can leave one lacking the energy and brainpower it takes to communicate effectively and intentionally. Additionally, someone dealing with a highly stressful event or period may find themselves constantly preoccupied, making focusing on conversations with their partner more difficult. 

If you or your partner are going through a period of high stress, it’s important to use some extra care and attention to encourage easier communication. Try to find a place and time where you and your partner can regularly relax and disconnect from external stressors – for some, this might be sharing mugs of early morning coffee on the living room couch; for others, a lively cocktail bar after work might be just the right amount of stimulation to bring you and your partner into the present moment. 

Wherever you are, taking a moment to assess your own emotional state before trying to have a conversation, and inviting you partner to do the same, can help you recognize situational barriers in the moment and take steps to minimize them. Deep breathing and exercise are two strategies for relieving stress in the body, which can help put one in a calmer state of mind. Invite your partner to do some breathing exercises with you or go on walk/hike together.

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Overcoming communication challenges is a process, so don’t expect things to improve drastically overnight. Understanding your and your partner’s unique barriers is the first step – hopefully this blogpost is a helpful starting point.

Relationship therapy offers a specialized form of support for couples struggling with communication problems in marriage. If you think your relationship could benefit from couples counseling, reach out today to schedule a free twenty-minute consultation with one of our relationship therapists.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.

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