What is Performative Vulnerability?

What is emotional vulnerability, and why is it important in relationships? Emotional vulnerability is the act of lowering one’s defenses and exposing one’s own sensitive feelings, beliefs, or experiences to others. It is an important part of building trust in relationships and deepening emotional intimacy. However, sometimes a person can appear to be showing vulnerability, when in fact they are doing the opposite. Ingenuine or performative acts of vulnerability actually raise one’s defenses instead of lowering them. It can be tricky to determine whether acts of apparent vulnerability are genuine or not, but this blog post can help you identify performative vulnerability in yourself, your partner(s), or anyone in your life.

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What Is Performative Vulnerability? Differences Between Authentic and Performative Vulnerability

Authentic vulnerability creates and strengthens emotional connection in relationships – one could say it is required for genuine emotional intimacy between partners. Performative vulnerability, on the other hand, is more concerned with appearances or control. Someone using performative vulnerability usually wants to elicit a particular response from others. Essentially, you can identify vulnerability as performative when it is motivated by a specific outcome (other than connection and/or processing one’s emotions). 

Someone sharing something bad that happened to them on social media with the intention of garnering likes and followers is an example of performative vulnerability. Or, a coworker who repeatedly and openly shares their struggles with those around them in an attempt to get away with doing less work. What makes these shows of “vulnerability” performative is that they expect a certain reward from others – like attention, pity, or special allowances. 

Of course, anyone expressing vulnerability has a reason to do so. In the case of authentic vulnerability, those reasons may be: to foster connection, self-heal, or seek understanding from others. It’s less about “getting something” from someone else and more about a mutual exchange of emotion.

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Signs of Performative Vulnerability in Relationships

• Constant need for validation: fishing for compliments, “likes” on social media, reassurance
• Lack of emotional depth: the “vulnerabilities” are surface level and lack complexity
• Frequent oversharing: sharing personal information with people one doesn’t know well and/or in inappropriate settings
• Repetitive use of vulnerability for sympathy
• Inconsistent emotional availability: one is willing to be very vulnerable when it suits them but quickly shuts down otherwise
• Use of vulnerability for control: sharing personal information in order to pressure or guilt others into doing something
• No effort towards resolution or change: are uninterested in seeking permanent solutions or help for the issues they bring up
• Their “vulnerability” defines the relationship: the dynamic is defined by them receiving constant support and sympathy from another person, which stems from  . . .
• A lack of reciprocity: there is little room for another person to be vulnerable and receive comparable attention/support, which often means . . .
• The relationship is emotionally draining: one person always has to play the role of caretaker, which becomes exhausting over time

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How to Cultivate Genuine Vulnerability

First and foremost, therapy is an excellent way to practice genuine vulnerability. In a therapeutic environment, performative vulnerability has very little benefit. In most cases, an individual is in therapy because they want to learn more about themselves and achieve positive changes, which can’t be done without honesty and authenticity. Therapy can help one identify when their vulnerability is performative, practice being authentically vulnerable in a safe environment, and eventually become comfortable being genuinely vulnerable in other areas of their life. 

Aside from therapy, here are some general tips for cultivating genuine vulnerability in oneself:

• Reflect on intentions before sharing. Ask yourself, “What am I hoping to achieve by sharing this? In what ways do I expect/need the other person to react?”
• Start small with trusted people. 
• Seek feedback from partners or friends about how you express emotions.
• Practice active listening and create space for others’ vulnerability.

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Encouraging Authentic Vulnerability in Your Partner 

When your partner, someone who you hope deeply knows and trusts you, struggles to be vulnerable with you, this can be hurtful and create tension in the relationship. Here are some ways you can encourage authentic vulnerability in your partner.

• Lead by example. Vulnerability should be a two-way street – this doesn’t mean both partners have to necessarily be equally vulnerable in the same moment, but a pattern of mutual sharing over time builds trust and connection.
• Be a good listener. Avoid distractions and try to offer occasional verbal validation, such as, “I get that,” or “That sounds really hard”.
• Create a safe and non-judgmental space. Practice listening to your partner without judgement or criticism. Avoid overreacting in the moment – take a deep breath and try to stay composed.
• Be patient and respect their boundaries. You can’t force someone to be vulnerable with you, and trying to do so will likely backfire and cause them to shut down. 
• Make a habit of regular check-ins. These don’t have to lead to vulnerable conversations every time, but they give each person time and space to express vulnerability when it feels right.
• Be consistent and trustworthy. Follow through on your promises and keep your partner’s sensitive information private. This will show them over time that you are a safe person for them to be vulnerable with.
• Create positive reinforcement. When your partner does open up to you, thank them for doing so and acknowledge the effort they put in.

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Being vulnerable, actually vulnerable, isn’t easy – that’s kind of the whole point. However, when we are able to have vulnerable moments with the people we trust – especially our partners – it can strengthen our connection, intimacy, and understanding of each other. Identifying performative vulnerability is the first step to practicing authentic vulnerability.

Using the strategies above, try reflecting on your own vulnerability practices – understanding your own abilities and tendencies is key to having conversations with others about theirs. Therapy is a great place to start. At the Center for Growth and Connection, we offer free consultations to those looking to start their therapy journey. Click the link below to schedule your free consultation today!

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Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.