Why People Cheat: Understanding the Root Causes of Infidelity

In at least one way, infidelity is like addiction. The same way people look at someone battling addiction and think, “That could never be me, I’d never let myself get addicted to _____ like that”, people similarly like to think that infidelity could never happen to them – that they’d never cheat, and their partner never would either. It is true that in both cases, some people are more susceptible than others, whether that be for biological or situational reasons (or both). However, the “this could never happen to me” mindset often ignores the very real reasons that people from all backgrounds fall into maladaptive and harmful coping mechanisms. 

Intentionally or not, we all end up hurting the people we love eventually, in big ways and small ways. Just because someone loves their partner deeply, cares about their partner’s feelings, and holds themselves to high moral standards does not mean that they could never cheat. Conversely, just because someone cheats does not mean that they do not care about their partner anymore or are an immoral person.

Whether you’ve already experienced or committed a betrayal in your relationship, or are hoping to avoid one – understanding the root causes of cheating is essential to both prevention and recovery. It’s important to note that there’s usually not just one reason that someone ends up betraying their partner – it’s most often a combination of factors, some that have to do with the relationship directly and others that don’t. Regardless, understanding infidelity and reasons for cheating in relationships will help you recognize the signs early on and prevent a lot of hurt and heartache. 

Reason #1: Emotional Disconnect and Unmet Needs

Most of us have emotional needs that we rely on others to fulfill. When a primary relationship isn’t adequately meeting those needs, one will likely turn to other sources outside the primary relationship. This does not have to look like physical or emotional cheating necessarily; in fact, leaning on other safe and stable relationships, such as friends or family members, can be a healthy way to meet one’s emotional needs when one’s primary partner is unable to do so. However, this factor combined with other factors that will be discussed later on can lead to the formation of inappropriate relationships (i.e. relationships outside of the primary relationship that break the primary relationship’s shared agreements, such as physical or emotional monogamy).

A lack of communication is often the reason that one or both partners’ needs go unmet.

Reason #2: Physical or Sexual Dissatisfaction

Maintaining mutual sexual satisfaction in a relationship, especially a long-term relationship, can be difficult. No two people are going to have the exact same sexual interests and desires, and over time this disparity can lead to one or both partners feeling sexually dissatisfied. 

Boredom is one form of sexual dissatisfaction that is especially prevalent in long-term relationships. It is normal and expected that as two people get to know each other better and have more intimate experiences, those experiences will become less naturally exciting over time. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t ways to intentionally bring excitement back into the relationship, but the more easily accessible excitement – the secrecy and/or novelty  – that comes along with an affair may feel in more immediate reach.

Reason #3: Personal Issues and Self-Esteem

Affairs can serve as a distraction from personal pain or stress, and/or a way of making one feel better about themselves. Have you ever received unexpected attention from someone – being hit on, flirted with, checked out, asked out, complimented – and it gave you a little boost of confidence? Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to act on that feeling or take it any further, but let’s face it: regardless, that attention can feel really good. For someone who struggles with chronically low self-esteem, especially if they feel undesired or unappreciated in their primary relationship, seeking out attention from others – sometimes in the form of an inappropriate relationship – can be a way of making them feel more worthy. 

Somebody experiencing insecurity in their identity may also use an affair as a way of exploring or trying to learn more about themselves. 

Reason #4: Opportunity and Situational Factors

Another possible factor is simply the availability of temptation – aka an opportunity that easily presents itself. Now, it’s important to note that this is not likely to be the only cause of infidelity – a secure, emotionally-stable person in a functional, communicative relationship that is appropriately meeting their needs is not necessarily going to act on the opportunity just because it exists. However, this in combination with the other factors listed can create a situation where infidelity is more likely.

An assumed lack of consequences – such as a situation where one feels it’s very likely that they won’t get caught – can contribute to the decision to cheat too. 

Reason #5: Relationship Dynamics and Dysfunction

Sometimes, someone cheats as a form of retaliation (consciously or subconsciously) in response to unresolved conflict or resentment. They may feel more entitled to their decision because their partner has done something to make them feel bad. Power dynamics can play a role as well – if one partner feels dominated or controlled, they may cheat to regain a sense of control or autonomy.

For various reasons – some of which we’ve mentioned in this article – one’s sense of commitment towards their partner can weaken over time. They may or may not even be aware of it, but this increasing apathy towards their relationship is likely to lower the barrier to infidelity.

Reason #6: Psychological or Attachment Issues

Attachment style can have a huge influence on the ways we interact in our relationships. A securely attached person is generally less likely to worry about their partner cheating or cheat themselves. On the other hand, anxiously attached individuals typically seek high levels of reassurance from their partners, and if they aren’t getting it, may turn to others for that reassurance. Avoidant individuals may feel less attached to their partners and therefore less committed to them. 

Regardless of someone’s attachment style, a fear of intimacy or vulnerability may lead to infidelity in relationships as a defense mechanism to protect one from feeling too close to their primary partner.

If you’re wondering how to prevent cheating in a relationship – I’d like to emphasize again that infidelity is a complex issue, and just because any one or more of these factors are present in your relationship does not mean you or your partner are destined to cheat. However, understanding what causes infidelity in marriage helps to build empathy and compassion – whether that be towards yourself, your partner, or others – because whether or not infidelity impacts you personally, it’s likely to at least impact someone you know and care about.

If you and your partner are looking for help overcoming infidelity, relationship counseling can help. Get professional help for your relationship issues today by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation with one of our couples counselors.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.

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