Bridging the Divide: How Couples Can Thrive Despite Political Differences

Since 2016, our country has seen a level of polarization most of us have never experienced in our lifetimes. Jobs have been lost, friendships have ended, family members have become estranged, and romantic relationships have ended over political differences. But not everyone is ready to cut ties with loved ones and especially a romantic partner. So how do you navigate what now feels like high voltage lanes with the one you love the most, especially during heightened political tensions nationwide?

Here are some ways to navigate what for many feels like new territory in their relationships when it comes to political differences.

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Practice Respectful Listening

Having a conversation about a heated topic without going into an attack/defend dance can be challenging for most of us. But when we can engage in active and respectful listening, we have the opportunity to deepen our understanding of our partners and to help each other feel seen and heard. Practice asking open ended questions with your partner and listening without preparing a counter response. Set the intention of wanting to know your partner more deeply. Here are some examples of questions you may ask:

• What experiences in your life have shaped your views on this issue?
• What values are most important to you in thinking about this topic?
• What would you like me to understand better about your beliefs?
• What hopes do you have for the future related to this issue?
• Are there any misconceptions or assumptions about your views that you think people often have?
• How do you feel our political differences affect our relationship, if at all?

Prioritize Empathy Over Agreement

I know this is a big ask. It can be hard to empathize with someone whose values may feel like they represent a threat to you. Part of that sense of threat can come from a lack of understanding around how the other person came to have their set of beliefs. I believe that everything makes sense when we understand the context, even if we don’t agree with the other person. If you want to engage in a conversation about political beliefs, try approaching the conversation with genuine curiosity aimed at deepening your understanding of your partner and where they are coming from. The goal isn’t to change their mind but to deepen your connection in the space of differences.

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Focus on Shared Values

In 2017 I attended a workshop organized by a group called Braver Angels – a group whose mission it is to combat polarization across America by bringing opposing political sides together for facilitated conversations intended to focus on finding coming ground. Note that the goal was NOT for one side to change the minds of the other side. It wasn’t even about finding compromise (though where common ground can be found, there is a greater opportunity for reasonable compromise). It was about finding where each side actually could come together in their shared values and beliefs. At the end of the day, though no one “switched sides”, we all felt more connected to each other. You fell in love with your partner for a reason. What were the shared values you had when you met and which of those shared values can you elevate in your relationship to deepen your connection?

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Set Boundaries Around Political Discussions

Each couple has to decide what boundaries will work best for their relationship when it comes to having political discussions. Some couples may decide to avoid them all together, instead focusing on topics where there is more alignment. But for couples who want to find a better way to engage in their political differences, setting some ground rules ahead of time can be helpful:

• No name calling. It’s easy to make assumptions about someone’s opposing beliefs and both sides believe the other side is misinformed at best, and downright stupid at worst. Name calling is closely associated with contempt which, according to relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman, is one of the biggest predictors of relationship failure.
• Pick a time for difficult conversations that allows both partners to feel present, focused, and engaged. If you’re trying to talk politics while the kids are running around, the dog is barking, and the kitchen sink is still filled with dinner dishes, you might not have the bandwidth to talk about something difficult.
• Conversely, be clear about setting “Politics-Free Zones”. For example, saying the bedroom is off limits to political conversations can ensure a place where each partner can feel safe and vulnerable in other ways.
• Know when to call a timeout. If things get heated, give each other permission to pause the conversation until you each feel more emotionally regulated.
• Identify any “off-limits” topics. While you may be able to take risks around some political differences, there may be other issues which are just too divisive to broach without outside support.

Use "I" Statements to Reduce Conflict

Using “I” statements keeps the focus on our own experiences and away from our interpretation of our partner’s experiences. An “I” statement is not about saying “I feel that you are being a jerk.” Instead, you could say “I feel hurt when you make disparaging comments about me related to my political beliefs,” or, “I feel anxious when I sense that we’re not on the same page, and I want to make sure our differences don’t create distance between us.”

Some other examples of “I” statements in the context of discussing political differences are:

• “I feel overwhelmed when we talk about this issue, and I want to understand your perspective without feeling tense.”
• “I believe strongly in this issue because of my personal experiences, and I’d like to share why it matters to me.”
• “I feel like we both have strong opinions, and my goal is to connect with you rather than convince you.”
• “I need some time to process what we’ve discussed, and I’d like to revisit this when I’ve had a chance to think about it.”
• “I need us to approach this topic without interrupting each other, so I can fully hear what you’re saying.”
• “I feel a bit vulnerable sharing my thoughts on this, so I would really appreciate it if we could approach this conversation gently.”
• “I’m curious about how you came to feel this way, and I want to understand your views better without making you feel judged.”
• “I want you to know that I’m not trying to change your mind. I just want us to understand each other’s perspectives.”

Seek Common Ground Outside of Politics

While this is important for all relationships, this one might be one of the most important things you can do to support your coupleship when political differences are heightened. What are some activities you enjoy doing together that are unrelated to politics? If the division between the two of you has made you forget how to connect, it can help to back to the beginning of your relationship and consider how you enjoyed spending time together then. While your interests may have changed over time, you might find that returning to previously enjoyed activities can serve as a reminder of why you fell in love in the first place. Or, you can use this opportunity to to find new shared experiences to enjoy together. Maybe you’ve always wanted to take up golf or learn more about wine tasting. Now might be a good time to take that trip abroad you’ve always talked about if it’s in your budget. Finding new consensual ways to explore each other sexually can be another way to connect. Whatever you decide, try to remain open and creative to possibilities.

It goes without saying that these are hard times to navigate political differences in all of our relationships. But staying connected with those we love most is the best way for any of us to weather the storms most of us feel like we are living through and finding bridges to overcome the divide is a way to overcome fears and break the isolation so many feel.

If, despite your best efforts, you and your partner are still struggling to navigate your differences, seeking professional help can offer a space and tools that promote greater connection and help you better tolerate differences.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.