What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)?

By Michelle Cantrell, LPCC

What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?

You and your partner have decided that it’s time to seek couples counseling. You’ve begun the process of looking for a therapist, and you’ve noticed that some of the people you’re considering use something called “EFT” relationship therapy. EFT, or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, is a couples therapy technique rooted in attachment theory which can help couples, especially those in negative cycles, overcome relationship challenges. But what does it look like in practice, and how can an EFT approach to therapy specifically have a positive impact on your relationship and communication?

EFT is a structured approach to counseling which can be broken down into three stages:

• Assessment & de-escalation

• Restructuring interactions

• Consolidation & integration

Let’s go a little deeper into what these three stages look like, using the example of fictional couple Cleo and Darrell.

Background

Cleo and Darrell have always dealt with some degree of communication issues, but it became especially clear how much those issues were negatively impacting their relationship the night that they celebrated (or attempted to celebrate) their ten year anniversary. Cleo and Darrell are busy people, both working full-time jobs and sharing the responsibility of raising their six-year old son. Their anniversary was a rare excuse to have some alone time and enjoy each other’s company. They indulged, making reservations at a restaurant and hotel no one would consider “affordable”. But, despite their best intentions and hopes, the night ended in a way that was not unfamiliar to them – with Darrell flipping through TV channels mindlessly, completely shut off to himself and his partner, and Cleo on the other edge of the bed, too angry and too hurt to sleep. The emotions of the night were only intensified by the disappointment that they had “ruined” their limited chance to spend a romantic evening together.

Understanding the Problem

Cleo and Darrell take turns explaining their perspectives to their counselor, Michelle. Cleo explains that she felt hurt and anxious when most of their anniversary dinner was spent in silence. She was worried that she’d done something to upset Darrell, or perhaps that he didn’t really want to be there. Darrell, on the other hand, explained with some defensiveness that he was enjoying a comfortable silence with his long-term partner, and a rare break from his lifestyle where he was most often expected to be “on”. When they got back to their hotel room, Cleo tried to ask Darrell what was wrong, insisting that there must be something. Darrell began to grow irritated, feeling like his behavior was being criticized and not understanding why. When he felt like he couldn’t take Cleo’s increasingly intensifying emotions any longer, he tuned out of the conversation and tuned into the TV, which made Cleo feel rejected and ignored.

The couple is stuck in a cycle: Cleo seeks emotional closeness, but Darrell pulls away in response to her distress. This ever-repeating cycle ultimately hijacked what was supposed to be an intimate celebration of ten years of togetherness. 

Stage 1: Assessment & De-escalation

Michelle helps Cleo and Darrell continually identify the negative interaction cycle they’ve been stuck in. She explains that when Cleo feels disconnected, she pursues emotional intimacy, but often does so by becoming more critical or demanding of Darrell. Darrell, feeling overwhelmed and attacked, retreats into himself, which causes Cleo to feel even more rejected.

Michelle encourages Cleo and Darrell to talk about their emotions in a less reactive way. Cleo expresses her hurt with more vulnerability, telling Darrell, “I feel really alone when you don’t engage with me. It makes me question whether you still care about me.” Darrell, for one of the first times in their partnership, opens up about his own feelings: “I get scared that I’m not enough for you. I feel like I never know the right things to say to you, and I’m afraid that will eventually make you want to leave.”

They both begin to see how their actions, which come across to each other as hostile as uncaring, are rooted in emotional needs. Cleo’s pursuit of connection stems from a fear of being abandoned, while Darrell’s withdrawal is driven by a fear of not being able to meet her emotional needs.

Stage 2: Restructuring the Interaction

As Cleo and Darrell begin to understand each other’s emotional vulnerability, they start to change how they interact. During therapy, Michelle helps Cleo express her needs in a way that doesn’t come across as blaming or criticizing. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” she tries, “I really need to feel heard by you when I’m upset. Can you take a moment to listen to how I’m feeling?”

Darrell, in turn, practices responding to Cleo’s emotional needs with empathy. Instead of withdrawing when Cleo gets upset, he begins to stay present, acknowledging her emotions without feeling that they’re a threat to the relationship. “I know you’re hurting, and I want to be there for you, even if I don’t know exactly what to say.”

Michelle guides them through these conversations in a neutral space, helping them navigate their emotions without falling back into old patterns of blame and retreat.

Stage 3: Consolidation & Integration

Cleo and Darrell are able to more and more frequently break their negative cycles in the moment, moving into empathetic communication instead. They now understand that when one of them becomes upset, it’s often a sign of unmet emotional needs rather than a reflection of something wrong with the other person. 

For example, one evening after a long, stressful day at work, Cleo feels herself becoming frustrated when Darrell is quiet and withdrawn. Instead of lashing out, she gently asks, “Can we talk for a minute? I’m feeling a little disconnected, and I need some reassurance.” Darrell, recognizing the familiar trigger, responds, “I’ve been feeling a little stressed and I didn’t know how to bring it up. I want you to know that it doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

Their ability to stay present with each other’s emotions and address underlying fears—Cleo’s fear of abandonment and Darrell’s fear of inadequacy—has transformed their relationship. Of course, they still face plenty of challenges, but they no longer feel stuck in the same negative cycle.

This is just one example of how EFT can improve conflict resolution skills by strengthening relationship communication and emotional connection, healing emotional wounds, and ultimately helping you reconnect with your partner. If you’re interested in Emotionally Focused Therapy to help work through conflict in your relationship, you can book a free consultation with an EFT-certified therapist at the Center for Growth and Connection.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.