How to Avoid Codependency in a New Relationship

The start of a new relationship is an exhilarating and special time. You may find yourself thinking about the person often, talking about them a lot to friends and family, and wanting to spend tons of time with them. But for someone in codependency recovery, this excitement may be tinged with worry – “Am I already becoming too reliant? Am I getting too attached too quickly?”

In case you’re not already familiar, codependency is when an individual becomes over-reliant on their partner(s) to meet their needs (read about codependency signs here). Over time, codependency in relationships can lead to a loss of individuality, as well as resentment and burnout. Therefore, it’s important to be mindful of codependent behaviors from the beginning, to avoid undue stress and strain later on. For those with a tendency towards codependency, these urges can be especially strong in the beginning of a new relationship, when partners may experience heightened emotions, desire for validation, and fear of rejection. This blogpost will help you navigate your new relationship with confidence, enjoying a growing closeness with your partner without fear that you’ll fall into codependent habits.

‍

The Psychological Roots of Codependency

Why does codependency happen? In order to better identify one’s own risk for codependent behavior, we have to look at one’s relational history. In the case of family dynamics, both the under or over-prioritization of a child’s needs could be a possible cause for codependent tendencies later on. Under-prioritization of a child’s needs can lead them to develop an anxious attachment style, characterized by low self-esteem, strong fear of rejection or abandonment, and clinginess. Over-prioritization can prevent the child from developing self-regulation skills, which may lead them to continually over-rely on others for emotional stability.

Someone with low self-esteem, which also is often a result of childhood experiences, is more susceptible to codependent relationships. They may turn to their partner for constant validation or assurance in order to feel better about themselves.

‍

How to Avoid New Relationship Codependency

1. Encourage Open Communication

‍The first step to avoiding codependency is naming it – otherwise, it’s going to be like battling a ghost. In general, being honest about your needs, fears, and desires from the beginning is going to create a strong foundation for this new relationship. Leading by example – opening up to your partner about your fear or tendency towards codependency – will show them that it’s safe to be vulnerable with each other and encourage them to do the same. You can start by asking your partner if they’ve heard of codependency or what they know about it – it may not be a concept they’re familiar with yet (if not, they can start here!)

Or, ask your partner this: what are some things you’ve learned from your past relationships/mistakes you don’t want to repeat? This gives you an opportunity to talk about your own efforts towards breaking codependency, and I also find that this question in general is incredibly insightful as you’re getting to know a person in the beginning.

Discussing expectations for the relationship will help you get ahead of the game. It’s a lot easier to say now, “I enjoy texting, but during the week, I’m not really able to regularly keep up with my messages, so don’t expect me to be able to respond much” than, a few months in, “Hey, your constant texting while I’m at work is stressful and exhausting”.

‍

2. Establish Healthy Boundaries 

If you already struggle with boundary setting, establishing relationship boundaries early on probably feels especially challenging. You may not feel very comfortable having serious conversations with your partner yet – perhaps you’re unsure how best to approach them about serious topics, or uncertain how they’ll react. Maybe you’re afraid that setting a boundary will cause your partner to pull away. Those fears and uncertainties are normal, so be compassionate with yourself. However, it’s important to keep in mind –

If you don’t set boundaries now, you’re creating unhealthy relationship patterns that may be hard to break. Changing the structure of your relationship later on, when the relationship is more secure and you’re more comfortable talking to your partner, may feel easier at the moment – but trust me, breaking these hard-formed habits will take a lot more effort and emotional work. 

If you don’t set boundaries now, you won’t know how your partner responds to boundary-setting. This may sound obvious – like, “Yeah, that’s the point! I don’t want to see my partner react to my trying to set boundaries. What if they get upset and leave?” This is a completely understandable fear, but you also have to ask yourself if you want to continue in a relationship with someone who won’t put up with you trying to protect your emotional needs. 

Here are some examples of boundaries that you’ll want to consider setting in order to avoid the development of codependent behavior.

Emotional Boundaries. “I need some time to myself to think things through when I’m feeling overwhelmed or stressed.”

Time and Space Boundaries. “I really enjoy spending time with you, but I also value having time for myself to recharge.”

Social Boundaries. “I really enjoy spending time with you, but it’s important to me to have one-on-one time with my friends/family members too.”

Communication Boundaries. “I really do like texting you throughout the day, but I also need time when we’re not in constant contact.” (it may be helpful to clarify when and where you’ll want to take a break from texting)

Support Boundaries. “I’m really grateful that you trust me with this, but it might help to also talk to a therapist.”

Self-Care Boundaries. “I need to make time for exercise, relaxation, and my hobbies, in order to be my best self and show up the best for you in this relationship.”

‍

3. Foster Individuality & Personal Growth

If you’re in the early stages of a relationship, you may find that your other interests, hobbies and relationships fall to the wayside a bit. Again, this is normal – being with them is so exciting, and they’re always on your mind – it may be difficult to focus on or feel motivated to do anything other than spend time with them. Self-awareness is crucial. Here are some questions to continually ask yourself:

Have I been tending to my other relationships? Do I have texts that have gone unanswered for days or weeks? When was the last time I saw ______? How long ago was it that I gave ______ a call? Have I been giving my friends adequate space to talk about what’s going on in their life (rather than constantly dominating the conversation with stories about my new relationship)? Have I been initiating plans? Have I been spending one-on-one time with the other people I’m close to (or time with friends/family in general sans your new partner)? Am I okay with prioritizing others over my partner sometimes? Have I frequently been cancelling or skipping plans to spend time with my new partner?

It’s a good idea to check in not only with yourself, but with other trusted loved ones to see how they’ve been feeling. 

Have I been tending to myself? Am I taking good care of myself? Am I getting done the things that need to be done? Am I sleeping less? Am I exercising less? Have I been feeling more stressed? Have I been skipping meetings/commitments? Have I put some of my goals on the back burner? Have I been making time for my hobbies? Have I been taking “me” time? Am I okay with putting myself first sometimes? Am I giving up things I like? Am I giving in to my partner all the time? 

Some of your answers to these questions will likely be damning – don’t worry too much. Sometimes the beginning of a relationship is a bit hectic and unbalanced, and that’s okay. Keep checking in with yourself – if things don’t balance out after some time, you may be forming codependent behaviors.

‍

4. Practice Emotional Regulation‍

Critical to interdependency in healthy relationships is the mutual understanding that both individuals are responsible for managing their own emotions. While it’s perfectly okay and healthy to lean on your partner for support, individuals should develop other coping strategies as well . If one or both partners holds most of the responsibility for the other’s emotional wellbeing, this can become quite burdensome over time and lead to burnout. Developing and practicing personal emotional regulation in relationships can prevent exhaustion and resentment later on. 

Some examples of emotional regulation strategies include journaling, mindfulness, breathing exercises, and self-care. Keep an eye out for a future blogpost with a list of emotional regulation strategies to try.

‍

5. Seek Professional Support

‍Therapy can be helpful to managing codependency because it will almost certainly help you practice every other strategy I just mentioned. Seeing a therapist also provides another support and space for processing emotions other than one’s partner. Lastly, the act of pursuing individual therapy is itself a form of self-care – it’s dedicating time and energy entirely to yourself.

If your partner is primarily or solely processing all of their thoughts and emotions with you, you need to ask yourself if you’re playing the role of a therapist in your relationship. Again, this may feel nice now – perhaps it makes you feel good that your new partner trusts you with their issues, and you’re probably eager to help. But trust me – at some point down the line, it’s going to stop feeling so good. What happens when you’re going through a tough time yourself, and don’t have the bandwidth to hold all of your partner’s problems? Or if another loved one in your life needs your support? Or if life gets busy, as it tends to, and you just don’t have the time or energy to be an unpaid mental health professional?

You can’t force your partner to go to therapy, but you can encourage them and support them in the process of finding a therapist, especially if they don’t have prior experience with therapy and you do. Ultimately, removing yourself from the role of 24/7 free therapist goes hand-in-hand with the boundary-setting: see the “support boundary” example above.

‍

If you’re at the start of a new relationship, you’re probably in a bit of a honeymoon period (seriously, enjoy it!) Everything feels easy and exciting, and you’re probably tempted to find ways to incorporate this awesome new person into every area of your life. However, when it comes to identifying and preventing codependent behaviors, I personally find this reflection helpful: “How will this behavior feel in a few years time?” Especially if you’ve had other long-term relationships that became codependent, this can help remind you of the emotional toll that codependent behaviors (which may feel effortless now) take over time. I promise building healthy relationship habits will be worth it in the long run. 

Just remember, you’re not going to be perfect – truthfully, you’ll probably mess up and have to course-correct multiple times. The fact that you’re aware of the effects of codependency and working to avoid them means you’re already ahead of many! And, don’t forget to enjoy yourself – there’s nothing like the feeling of a new love blooming.

For additional help in preventing codependency in romantic relationships, schedule a free twenty-minute consultation with one of our couples therapists.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.

‍