Rediscovering Yourself: Moving Forward After a Breakup
by Jessie Davis, AMFT
When we attach romantically with a partner, we not only invest our time and emotions into another person, but we also intertwine our lives and identities with theirs. This can create a bond where our sense of self becomes closely connected to the relationship, making the process of separation all the more complex and profound. Have you ever been in a relationship and noticed the ways you’ve taken on attributes of your partner? Maybe you’ve adopted a new slang vocabulary or different eating habits. As we open ourselves up to emotional intimacy with someone new, we often immerse ourselves into their world, embracing parts of their identity and vice versa. It can be an incredible feeling to expand our sense of self through being in relationship with others. It also highlights the depth of connection we form, making the disentangling after a breakup a significant and oftentimes, painful experience.
Reconnecting with self and moving forward with the parts of you that have changed is a transition of self-discovery and of loss. A transition that I believe is much harder to move through alone. As an Associate Therapist who’s worked with clients going through break-ups, I believe there are several strategies to make the experience a little less painful. First off, having a reliable support system can provide a crucial element of connectedness while separating from the bond of your ex partner. Whether that’s friends, family, or a therapist; the presence of support can alleviate feelings of isolation and help remind you of your inherent worth to others. These supportive relationships can help you process your emotions by providing a safe space for insight, validation and alternative perspectives.
Allowing yourself to safely grieve a break-up often also means setting communication boundaries with your ex. This part is hard, there are likely parts of yourself that are still attached to this person. For some, this might look like limiting contact all together. For those who share children, pets or financial assets, this may look like setting specific boundaries related to time, location, and reasons for contact/communication. Distance from communication with your ex-partner allows you to gain clarity and perspective on the relationship and its end. It reduces the temptation to revisit unresolved issues or fall back into familiar patterns that may interrupt your emotional healing. Telling a friend or your therapist about limited contact / communication boundaries can be a helpful strategy to keep yourself accountable.
Another useful strategy is to reframe the story of the breakup by shifting your patterns of thinking from a loss mentality to a gain mentality. You might try and reframe thoughts like “I lost the physical intimacy that I loved so much” to “I gained new knowledge about how I like to be physically intimate with others.” This change in perspective allows for a new sense of self-awareness and the opportunity to explore your preferences and boundaries for future relationships.
Everyone processes break-ups differently because everyone grieves differently. For many, the challenge lies in untangling the threads that connected them to their partner—emotionally, socially, and physically. Be patient and kind with yourself during this time. Recognize that the end of a relationship, while painful, can also be a catalyst for personal growth. By leaning on a strong support system, setting healthy boundaries, and reframing your perspective, you can emerge from this transition stronger and more attuned to your own needs and desires.
Jessie Davis, AMFT, is passionate about helping clients move through life transitions and towards greater connection. Jessie provides individual and couple therapy in Pasadena, CA, and throughout the state of California via telehealth.