Unbecoming What Isn’t You

This video discusses the process of unbecoming by letting go of maladaptive behaviors that once were adaptive but no longer serve us.

Transcript:

I want to share one of my favorite quotes with you, and it goes like this. Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place by Palo Coelho. When I think about personal growth, I think about it not as who do we want to become, but who do we need to unbecome? What are some of the ways that we have learned to adopt through adverse situations in our life that are no longer serving us?

If we look at who we are now and compare that to who we were, who we were meant to be in the beginning as children when we came into this world, I don't think most of us were born as perfectionists or people pleasers or caretakers or criticizing ourselves all the time and being really hard on ourselves. When we come into the world, we're pure, we're full of love and joy and ready to experience whatever comes our way. Unfortunately, when we have those adverse experiences, we start to develop these parts of ourselves that help us cope with those experiences. And some of those parts might lead into perfectionism or people pleasing or other patterns of behavior that, again, serve us well in those moments. But eventually we might outgrow the adaptive elements of that. And then those same behaviors really detract from our opportunity to experience well -being.

And so when I think about the therapeutic process and the way I work with my clients, it's really about coming back to ourselves and reconnecting with ourselves and unbecoming some of those ways that are no longer serving us. And it doesn't mean we're just throwing everything out. There are some inherently good qualities that come along with behaviors like people pleasing and caretaking and perfectionism. And so really we want to start to reframe those in more moderate and boundaryed ways. So for example, if you are a perfectionist, we can look at that as you are someone who really pursues excellence. And that's wonderful. But as long as you're pursuing perfectionism, you will always be chasing after something that is inherently unachievable and will likely leave you feeling never good enough.

If we think about people pleasing. I don't want you to go around being a jerk to everybody. We want to be kind, but kind with boundaries in a way that protects ourselves and protects others. So we have some containment around who we are and we're protecting ourselves around the way other people are with us. And then even caretaking. Of course, I want you to be able to take care of the people that you love, but I don't want you to be pouring from an empty cup. I want you to be thinking about how can I take care of myself and take care of the people in my life without losing myself in the process.

So if you're thinking about therapy and you're not really sure what exactly to focus on, something to think about is how can I connect with myself and unbecome some of the things that are no longer serving me? Just some food for thought for today. I hope you like this quote and my reflections. Thank you.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena, CA.