Understanding Your Negative Cycle

by Michelle Cantrell, LPCC

According to the Gottman Institute, it takes couples an average of six years before they seek help for marital problems. While I have worked with couples at all stages of their relationships, this statistic matches my experiences as a couple therapist. While six years may seem like a long time to experience distress before taking action, I think the delay comes in part from a place of hope that things will get better. Instead, what often happens is that couples get locked into their negative cycles to the extent that the cycles begin to take on a life of their own and become increasingly difficult to break free from. Understanding your negative cycle can be the first step to creating new, more positive relationship patterns.

When a couple first comes to me, I take time to hear about their struggles and approach their patterns from the understanding that all behaviors make sense when we understand their context. Most of the time, what underlies each partners’ behaviors in moments of disconnection and escalation are more vulnerable emotions and beliefs that are too risky to share. 

When Alyssa and Joanne* came to their first appointment, Alyssa had threatened to leave the marriage saying that if Joanne didn’t make some changes and make them fast, Alyssa was ready to end the relationship. While Joanne didn’t want to lose Alyssa, she was also frustrated and felt like if Alyssa wasn’t always so negative, she would see how much good there was between them. While I listened intently to their story, validating the pain and frustration each of them described, I felt how familiar this pattern was with the couples I see. Still, each couple, each individual has their own unique experiences, and I wanted to know more about how Alyssa and Joanne got to this stuck place.

As I probed more in that first session and ensuing sessions, I came to understand what was behind their pattern and began the process of slowing things down to help them explore new ways of interacting. 

Alyssa, who reduced her hours at work to be able to focus more on their two young children, was feeling overwhelmed and burned out. She didn’t feel like she was getting the support she needed from Joanne, who had a demanding job that often led to long days at the office. Even on the weekends, Joanne spent hours at her computer leaving Alyssa feeling even more alone. Eventually, just the sight of Joanne at her computer would evoke anger in Alyssa, and she would lash out at her, yelling and criticizing Joanne, who would then in turn get defensive. 

Joanne, who felt the pressure of being the primary income earner, as well as the demands of working in a highly competitive work environment, would try to explain all the reasons why she needed to work so much, adding that she didn’t actually like having to work so much but felt trapped into doing so. Joanne felt like Alyssa really didn’t understand her, and when her explanations didn’t calm Alyssa down, Joanne would shut down, get quiet and sometimes even leave the room. She could see that the conversation was going nowhere as they went round and round in the same dialog they always had, and continuing to engage with Alyssa would just make things worse.  And of course, when Joanne shut down, Alyssa would become more enraged saying “See? You just don’t care. How can you sit there quietly like nothing is even wrong?”. To Alyssa and Joanne, it felt like this argument was set on repeat except that it took increasingly less to trigger their cycle.

When I began to ask Alyssa more about her experiences, I hone in on her belief that Joanne doesn’t care.

“Alyssa, when you hear yourself say to Joanne You just don’t care, what happens on the inside for you?”

Alyssa first responds with more anger saying “Well, if she really cared, she would work less and help me more.”

“Let me make sure I’m getting you Alyssa. You’re drowning, you’re telling Joanne that you’re drowning, and instead of throwing you a life-line, you see her walk away. And when you see her walk away, you have no other way to make sense of the situation than to tell yourself she doesn’t care. Is that right?”

“Yes,” Alyssa says a little more softly. 

“That sounds pretty painful. And when you tell yourself she doesn’t care, what’s that like for you?” 

“It’s like I’m all alone,” she says tearfully.

“Right, and when you feel all alone, you try to send a signal to Joanne to let her know. But you’re scared and angry so you let Joanne know by getting critical, by yelling, really just doing anything to get a response. Does that fit?”

“Yes, and I hate that I do that. I don’t want to criticize her but sometimes it’s the only way to get a response out of her.”

“Right, and any reaction is better than no reaction.” 

“Yes, at least I know she’s actually there. When she walks away, that really is the worst. It’s like I don’t even matter to her.”

Here’s what a similar process would look like with Joanne:

“Joanne, you said you get defensive and shut down when the two of you argue. Can you tell me if there’s something specific you see Alyssa do or something she says that sets off that response for you?”

“Ha! Well, it starts with a look. I see her face stiffen, and then I know something is coming. I brace myself for what she’s going to say which is something about how I’m not doing something she wants me to be doing, or I’m letting her down or disappointing her in some way, you know, all the things I’ve been doing wrong that day.”

“Ah, so you see her face stiffen and you brace yourself. You know the storm is coming and it’s going to be rough. You know you’re about to hear about all the things you’re doing wrong, all the ways you’re disappointing her. That sounds tough. To feel like you’re letting your person down, to feel like you’re disappointing her.”

“Well, yeah, and it’s like she doesn’t ever acknowledge all the things I DO do for our family, for her. It’s not like I want to be working when I’m at home, taking time away from the family, but at least at work, I’m good at what I do. At work, I don’t always feel like I’m coming up short.

“Is that what it feels like at home? Like you’re always coming up short? Like nothing you ever do is good enough?”

“Yeah, it’s like she doesn’t even see the good in me. I don’t want to lose her, but sometimes I wonder why she even stays with me if she’s so unhappy.”

“That sounds like a pretty tough thing to wonder about. Is that when you start to disappear? When you feel like nothing you do is good enough? That you’re disappointing Alyssa?”

“Yeah”

“And when you go away, what’s happening on the inside for you?”
“It’s a pretty awful place. I used to think I made Alyssa happy, and now all I see her is disappointment. It’s pretty sad. But I also feel like nothing I do is ever right, so then I just focus back on work.”

“That makes sense to me. It hurts you to know that Alyssa is feeling disappointed, but if you feel like nothing you do is going to make a difference, then you shut down and move on to something where you more effective. Only when you do that, Alyssa feels like she has more proof that she doesn’t matter. That puts you in a bit of a bind, doesn’t it?”

When we experience pain, often the response is to lash out or shut down. While both strategies are protective in nature, they often perpetuate the negative cycle between two people. The process of couple therapy can help partners slow down, and ultimately communicate and respond to each other more effectively, especially during their greatest moments of need. If you need support in your relationship, we are here to help. At the Center for Growth and Connection, our trained and experienced clinicians offer virtual and in-person couple therapy in Pasadena, CA.

*Alyssa and Joanne represent fictitious composites of many couples I have seen throughout my career as a couple therapist. Any similarities to real individuals are coincidental.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena, CA.