What’s Your Attachment Style?
by Michelle Cantrell, LPCC
There is a lot of information out there these days about attachment styles. I don't know about you, but I sometimes get information overload and walk away feeling overwhelmed and more confused. Sometimes, in my early days of being a therapist learning about the science of attachment, I read descriptions that felt a little like reading a horoscope -- there was always just enough information that I could relate to with each different type leaving me wondering what my attachment style was. (Sorry to you astrology buffs out there.) I related to a lot of the avoidant strategies that characterize someone with an Avoidant Attachment Style. But there were elements of the Anxious Attachment style that also spoke to me. There is the category of Disorganized or Ambivalent Attachment style, depending on the literature, but that didn't fully resonate with me. (You may be wondering why I needed any label in the first place, but in my constant pursuit of self knowledge, it felt important to me to figure this out.)
This may have had to do more with my lack of self awareness than the quality of the material I was reading, but I have to assume I am not alone in my experience. Still, the science of attachment so profoundly spoke to me, I was determined to understand it and myself in the context of it.
Fast forward a number of years to the part of my therapist career where I decided to enter into the world of couple therapy. This decision was not made lightly and came from having had my own positive experience in couple therapy with my husband, working with a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). The deep work we did with the guidance of our skilled therapist so profoundly altered our relationship for the better, I was inspired to do the same for others, and thus began my training as an EFT therapist. So I better get this whole attachment thing right!
Part of my training included regular supervision with another EFT therapist. It was a challenging experience to say the least, but isn't that always the case with growth? As I presented case after case to her, sharing my hypotheses about each partner's "position" (i.e., anxious attachment style or in EFT lingo, the "pursuer" or avoidant attachment style aka the "withdrawer"), she would repeatedly challenge my hypothesis. I was desperate to get this and sometimes thought that surely, this expert was the one who had it wrong. And then she gave me an assignment to go through one of the seminole books on adult attachment, and pull out the thoughts and behaviors that fairly consistently showed up with each attachment style. Being the diligent student that I was, I scoured through the book and made a spreadsheet -- yes, a spreadsheet -- to start organizing attachment experiences. What I discovered not only help me become a better couple therapist, but also helped me understand myself in my own relationships (and doesn't that also help me be a better therapist?).
Too often when we describe attachment patterns, we focus solely on the behaviors -- the strategies one employs to cope with their attachment distress. But that only tells part of the story. While there may be some degree of consistency related to the behaviors associated with a particular attachment style, more telling are the underlying beliefs related to attachment fears. Once I figured that part out, the rest became much more clear and I could view a person's attachment style more holistically. I want to share what I found but first of, I want to acknowledge that this is not a comprehensive explanation of attachment and the science behind it. As I said at the beginning, there is a comprehensive body of literature going into great detail about attachment. But my hope here is that by distilling some of what I learned, you may begin to understand yourself better in the context of your relationships.
When I work with couples, they most frequently present with what we describe in EFT as a pursue-withdraw pattern. In other words, one partner shows an anxious attachment style while the other partner shows an avoidant attachment style. These likely are the most common presentations for distressed couples for somewhat pragmatic reasons. Two anxiously attached folks tend to have an intense but volatile relationship that tends to go out with a big bang. Two avoidant partners tend to get along pretty well but exist more in parallel lives, doing just fine until some bump in the ride reveals the distance in their relationship and there's not enough "glue" to keep them together. So that leaves us with the pursue-withdraw pattern.
When I work with couples who experience a pursue-withdraw pattern, what I have learned is that each partner fairly consistently identifies with a particular belief set about themselves. The behaviors we see them engage in during relationship distress is a way to distance themselves from the pain that accompanies those beliefs.
But before I go deeper, I also have to put the attachment related behaviors in context. A lot of people see someone engaging in "pursue" related behaviors and assume that means they are the "pursuer" in the relationship. This can be particularly true in the early stages of a relationship and might also coincide with more extreme behaviors like love-bombing. But for the purposes of this conversation, I am referring to behaviors evoked during times of relationship distress which can be different from behaviors that emerge during times of connection.
For an anxiously attached individual who is experiencing relationship distress, they often feel themselves wondering if they matter to their partners. They feel like they aren't a priority, that their needs aren't important. In the face of the pain related to these fears (and I've heard more than one client correct me when I framed it as a "fear" saying instead "it's not a fear, it's a fact."), these individuals can start to get highly critical, turn up the emotional temperature in the room, and blame their partner for whatever is going wrong. With this relational "move", the individual is protesting their partner's behaviors while distancing themselves from their own relational pain and fears. For an avoidantly attached individual, there are few moves they have in response to their attachment fears which are often evoked by their partner's protest, most or all of which are going to show up in some kind of withdrawing behavior. The goal of the withdraw maneuver is to move away from the painful emotions associated with their attachment distress and can look like a physical withdraw like removing oneself physically from the situation, or by shutting down emotionally, getting quiet, appearing stoic. Another avoidant strategy can be to focus on logic, reason, or "facts and data". This is where many couples coming with one partner identifying as the "logical" one and the other as the "emotional" one. The more the withdrawing partner focuses on logical thinking, the more the anxious partner feels like their needs are not being tended to, amplifying a feeling of not mattering. And the more the anxious partner feels like they don't matter or they're not important, the more likely they are to increase the emotional heat even more through anger, criticism and blame, and thus a cycle is born. The more often this cycle repeats, the more quickly it can escalate in ensuing conflict.
Where this can all get confusing is when some of the outward behaviors mask the inward distress. I have seen many clients with an anxious attachment style shut down in the face of their partner's withdraw. Another way to think of it is that while the anxious partner is still feeling their attachment wound, they are putting down their protest sign and going home feeling defeated. I have also seen anxious partners engage in withdraw behaviors as a way to punish their partners in the form of the silent treatment or withholding affection, hoping to evoke a pursue response in their partner. While this might get coded as manipulative behavior, I prefer to see at as a response to feeling ineffective in getting attachment needs met and resorting to a new strategy. And sometimes it even works! At least temporarily. The end goal is not to manipulate their partner but to re-engage in emotional connection.
And just like someone with an anxious attachment style can engaging in behaviors that appear to be more consistent with a withdrawer, someone with an avoidant strategy can yell, blame, turn up the emotional heat in a moment of distress. But often this is more of a strategy employed to get the critical partner to back off than it is to bring their partner back into emotional proximity. When these behaviors show up in my couple therapy sessions, I focus less on what's happening on the outside and more what's happening on the inside which is ultimately my compass for understanding what's happening in the "between".
At the end of the day, all of these strategies are each partner's best attempt at self regulation in the face of attachment distress, and in the absence of healthy co-regulation. The great news is, even when we enter into adulthood with an insecure attachment style, we can create an earned secure attachment by repairing attachment wounds, and by increasing emotional attunement, responsiveness and engagement.
Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena, CA.