Navigating Heartbreak During the Holidays
By Michelle Cantrell, LPCC
Heartbreak hurts, no matter the season – but surviving a breakup during the holidays can be, well, not so merry and not so bright. Heartbreak or otherwise, dealing with loneliness during the holidays is more common than we may realize – a survey from the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) found that 66% of respondents have experienced loneliness during the holidays. The societal and personal expectations to show up as especially joyous and celebratory during this time of year can make one’s grief feel that much harder to cope with. But you don’t have to resign yourself to the suffering – a little emotional self-care during the holidays can help you continue your healing process all through the season. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, I hope these holiday heartbreak tips will help you navigate the upcoming weeks with a little more ease.
1. Acknowledge Your Emotions
As we mentioned previously, feeling sad or angry during a season that expects joy and celebration can be especially difficult – you may even start to feel frustrated with yourself for not being able to get in the “holiday mood”. However, while suppressing your painful emotions may feel easier right now, it’s important to note that doing so can prolong healing in the long term.
We all know that allowing yourself to feel isn’t as simple as just giving yourself permission. If you’re having difficulty processing your emotions, try journaling or talking to someone you trust – like a friend, family member, or therapist.
2. Reframe the Holidays
Especially if you are dealing with the first holiday season after a breakup, you may experience a feeling of additional loss – the loss of certain traditions or a particular way you expect holiday celebrations to look.
With all the big and little ways that your life suddenly changes after a breakup, it can feel like everything is falling apart. The good news is – once you choose to rebuild, you have the chance to let go of habits and tendencies that don’t actually serve you, and adopt new ones that better do. The holidays are a chance to practice this.
Your celebrations are going to look and feel different this year, and from now on. Why not lean into that and try out some new traditions and new ways of celebrating? Ask yourself this: What makes you feel good? What makes you feel loving and loved? What is exciting? Where do you love to be? Perhaps this is a year to start volunteering at a holiday gift drive or host a little holiday gathering (and invite the people you want to spend the holidays with, not necessarily people you feel obligated to). If your financial situation permits it, maybe now is your chance to travel somewhere new.
There might be some traditions that you genuinely really enjoy and can be adapted to your new circumstances, but now is the time to ask yourself: what is important to me, and what do I actually enjoy? Do I even like roast ham – or is this my year to eat pancakes for dinner?
3. Set Boundaries
One thing you might be dreading about the holidays is certain conversations or questions that feel inevitable, especially if your family has a tendency to gossip. If you are not ready to talk about your breakup publicly – whether that be with anyone, or specific people – you have every right to set those boundaries and let the people in your life know what sorts of questions or comments are off limits. It may be helpful to let your family and friends know over the phone before you meet up with them. If you’re dreading the boundary-setting part too, you may have a safe, trusted family member or friend let other family/friends know what your boundaries are.
If you’re attending larger holiday parties or gatherings, you probably won’t be able to completely avoid the painfully awkward “How’s _______?” You may want to consider how you’ll respond to certain likely questions ahead of time to minimize awkwardness and move on to other topics quickly. Alternatively, maybe you want to avoid parties altogether this year – that’s okay too!
It’s important to consider that there might be people in your life who will not respect your boundaries. You may need to ask yourself if spending time with those people is worth the cost of your emotional safety and comfort, especially at a particularly vulnerable time.
4. Prioritize Self-Care
Self-care may not be the first thing you think of when it comes to the holidays, but if you didn’t think you had a reason to prioritize it before, you do now. Hopefully you have a little extra time to spend, so consider spending at least some of it on yourself. You could try taking a walk or a warm bath (or an edible!), meditating, watching a funny movie, cooking a delicious meal, or anything else that makes you feel good and healthy.
5. Lean on Your Support System
Other people are, in my opinion, one of the most powerful support systems out there. Now is the time to surround yourself (physically or virtually or both) with people who love and care for you. Knowing who to talk to after a breakup can be challenging – for many of us, our partner may have previously been our main form of support, and we may find that we haven’t kept up with cultivating other relationships. Fostering those connections again will take time, but in the short term, you can try looking for online communities or local support groups (especially those geared towards heartbreak/divorce) and/or professional help, if needed.
6. Focus on Gratitude and Joy
Gratitude is such a simple but powerful practice that encourages us to shift our perspective and focus towards all of the things in our lives that are good and joyful. You can practice gratitude at any moment, and I also encourage you to start a written list so that you can return to things you’ve written anytime you need a reminder.
It’s important to make space for both grief and joy. Try making a list of things that make you happy – people, places, hobbies, books, movies, foods, etc – and find a way to incorporate a few joyful activities or experiences into your holiday break.
7. Look to the Future
Fresh starts are possible at any time, but the beginning of a new year can be an especially good opportunity. Consider all of the possibilities for growth and change that this new chapter in your life holds. Making a list of goals, putting together a vision board, or even writing a letter to yourself six months to a year from now are all ways to visualize, plan for, and get excited about the future.
Whether this is your first/second/third holiday without them, it is one more step in your journey towards healing. The grief may feel impossible right now, but it is essential to remember that it will ease with time and effort.
Overcoming holiday sadness after a breakup is no easy task, and sometimes all you can do is take it one day at a time. Self-care is essential, in all its forms: seeking out joy, yet making room for grief; seeking out loving company, yet protecting and prioritizing your own needs. If you’re still looking for additional support, you can book a free consultation here with the Center for Growth and Connection.