Symptoms of Codependency: How to Know If You're in a Codependent Relationship
By Michelle Cantrell, LPCC
Relying on your partner(s) for support is normal and healthy. However, when one or more partners become overly reliant on another to meet their needs, we call this codependency. Codependency often stems from insecure attachment styles developed in childhood, influencing how individuals connect, seek validation, and navigate intimacy in adulthood. Codependency can occur in monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, with more than one partner, and in non-romantic relationships as well.
It’s important to make a distinction between codependent and interdependent. The difference lies in the balance. An interdependent relationship is mutual – one person is not constantly prioritizing their partner’s needs over their own – and all participants in the relationship are also able to function as individuals.
Left unchecked, codependency can lead to resentment, burnout, and a loss of individuality. Let’s look at some possible signs that can help you determine whether or not your relationship(s) crosses the line into codependency.
1. An Overwhelming Need to Please
Seeing a partner upset, disappointed, or angry is an uncomfortable experience. It can be tempting, especially for those who already have people-pleasing tendencies, to do anything possible to avoid causing our partner those difficult feelings – even if it means neglecting one’s own needs, wants, and boundaries. This isn’t to say that compromise and occasional sacrifice isn’t a normal and even necessary part of being in relationship with others – degree and frequency is key here. How able are you or your partner(s) to sit with the discomfort of the other’s displeasure? Does it feel incredibly overwhelming and distracting, to the point where one feels like they can’t relax until it’s been resolved? If one makes a decision that the other person is unhappy with, are they able to stand by it?
An overwhelming need to please can often lead to …
2. Difficulty Setting Healthy Boundaries
Let’s say two partners, Allie and Georgia, recognize that they are spending too much time together. They haven’t been able to foster other relationships, practice their hobbies, or just have some time to themselves. Georgia asks if they could start spending one night a week apart, and Allie agrees. But when this night comes around, the two always find themselves in the same position – Georgia, who tends to be extraverted, has a date or plans with a friend, and Allie, who’s on the shyer side, does not. Allie, who still craves social interaction, is upset about having to spend a night by herself, and Georgia often finds herself canceling her plans as a result. This puts a strain on Georgia’s other relationships, leading her to feel resentment towards her relationship with Allie, although the choice to stay home is entirely her own.
3. Fear of Abandonment
In a secure, interdependent relationship, partners should be able to make everyday decisions without worrying that it will cause their partner(s) to leave them, even if the decision temporarily makes their partner(s) unhappy. Partners should be able to experience disagreements, sadness, disappointment, and anger without threat of the relationship immediately ending.
With codependent behavior, a person’s thinking may spiral quickly, leading them to fear that, for example, making the choice to keep plans with someone else even when their partner is sad may cause their partner to break up with them – regardless of how long the two have been together and how committed they are to one another.
4. Excessive Emotional Dependence
Life is hard! When difficult emotions or scenarios arise, having one’s partner(s) there to support them can be such a comfort.
However, this dynamic can become unhealthy. When a person’s one and only coping mechanism is their partner’s care, this can put a huge strain on the relationship. The person seeking emotional soothing can become even more upset if their partner is not immediately able to tend to them. The person providing the soothing can become overwhelmed by the weight of being their partner’s sole emotional caretaker, and they may even fear for their partner’s safety if they are not able to meet their partner’s emotional needs in the moment.
5. Low Self-Esteem Tied to the Relationship
How much of your self worth comes from your partner’s approval? If one finds themself feeling guilty, ashamed, or depressed when they make a decision that their partner doesn’t like, they’re experiencing yet another form of over-reliance on their partner – reliance on them to feel good or okay about themself. Pissing your partner off, letting your partner down – these are normal dynamics that will occur in any relationship, and they do not inherently mean that one is a bad partner or person.
A relationship may have codependent traits from the beginning, or it can develop them over time – sometimes, codependency begins after a traumatic event that occurs in one or more partners’ lives. Regardless, therapy can be helpful in transitioning from the transition from codependence to interdependence. Recognizing codependency is the first step to building a healthier relationship with your partner(s) and with yourself – one that allows room for all participants to grow.
Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena and Encino, CA.