Blame Versus Accountability

by Michelle Cantrell, LPCC

When trying to understand long-standing patterns of behavior and negative beliefs, it is not uncommon in the therapy process to look for the roots in family of origin experiences. Our earliest experiences lay the foundation for the internal working model we develop of ourselves and the world around us. Accordingly, our primary caregivers – most often our parents – have a significant impact on how we develop. This leads to the cliche that the purpose of therapy is to blame our parents for everything bad about our lives. But this is an overly simplistic view that doesn’t contribute to healing and growth, and may actually keep clients stuck in a victim mindset. 

So if we aren’t blaming our parents for our problems, why does therapy so often focus on the negative effect our parents sometimes had on us? This is where the difference between blaming someone and holding someone accountable becomes an important distinction.

Blaming someone involves assigning fault or responsibility for a negative outcome solely to that person, often without considering external factors or context. It tends to be accusatory and can lead to feelings of shame, resentment, and defensiveness. Blame often focuses on the past and assigns a sense of permanence to the perceived wrongdoing, which can hinder both parties' ability to move forward constructively.

On the other hand, holding someone accountable involves acknowledging their actions or behaviors and their consequences while also recognizing each individual's responsibility their own responses and capacity for change. When holding someone accountable, there's an emphasis on understanding the impact of their actions, fostering open communication, and collaboratively finding solutions or making amends. Accountability encourages ownership, reflection, and learning from mistakes, which can strengthen relationships and promote personal development.

In essence, blaming is about pointing fingers, saying "It's all your fault!" and making someone feel bad for what went wrong, while relinquishing responsibility on the part of the person negatively impacted. Accountability is about acknowledging responsibility, fostering growth, and working towards positive change in the present and future. As a therapist, I encourage clients to shift their mindset from blame to accountability, as it empowers them to take control of their actions and relationships, leading to greater resilience and well-being.

Accountability is more like saying, "Let's figure out what happened and what we — or I — can do about it." It's about taking responsibility for actions and finding ways to move forward positively. Sometimes that means both parties taking appropriate steps towards repair and change, and other times it means the negatively impacted party holds the other person accountable by no longer engaging in the relationship.

In the context of blame versus accountability, addressing the impact of one's actions on another is crucial for understanding the difference. When blaming someone, the focus is often solely on the negative outcome and attributing it entirely to the other person's actions. However, with accountability, there's a recognition of the impact one's actions may have had on others. It involves acknowledging the consequences of one's behavior, taking responsibility for those consequences, and showing empathy towards those who may have been affected.

While blame assigns fault externally, accountability emphasizes personal agency and responsibility, facilitating healing and positive change. This is where the therapeutic process can support individuals in their own healing from the negative impact others have had on them. On a final note, holding someone accountable doesn’t inevitably lead to the other person actually taking responsibility for their actions. But becoming clear for yourself about who is responsible for what can pave the way towards healing.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena, CA.