When Your Partner Won’t Go to Couples Therapy

By Michelle Cantrell, LPCC

You’ve seen the signs. You know things aren’t right. Maybe you get in the same arguments over and over again. Or maybe it’s just the silence between you. You know things can’t continue the way they are, but no matter how hard you’ve tried, nothing is changing.  Your relationship needs help and suggest couple therapy to your partner – who says no. So what next? 

It can be disheartening and frustrating to know you need help working on your relationship and your partner isn’t ready. While couple therapy may not be an option for you at this this time, there are steps you can take in individual therapy that can benefit your relationship and may provide the clarity and understanding you need to decide what to do next.

But first, lets explore the reasons your partner may be saying no to couple therapy. Throughout my years as a couple therapist, I’ve heard many reasons one or both partners resisted getting help sooner. (According to the Gottman Institute, it takes couples an average of six years of experiencing significant distress before they seek help.)

It won’t work. If your partner has never been to therapy, it might seem like a mystery to them. How can some stranger come into your life and make things better? It’s fair assertion. And frankly, a therapist who hasn’t received specialized training in treating couples may indeed not be very effective in providing relationship support.

Sometimes it can help to demystify the process of therapy. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, the process begins with getting a clear understanding of the negative patterns of interaction that have been plaguing the relationship. We not only pinpoint the particular behaviors each partner engages in during times of conflict or disconnection, but also explore what cues prompt those behaviors as well as the underlying beliefs associated with those cues. During these moments, we create new types of encounters that leverage attachment longings and fears to express relationship needs more vulnerably, ultimately leading to more effective communication.

Therapy is just about blaming my parents for my problems. While it is true that many therapeutic models are grounded in understanding early life experiences and their impact on adult functioning, EFT is focused on the present process –- what’s happening between two partners in the here and now. We may, at times, reference past experiences and how they might inform how you show up in your current relationship, but change can only happen in the present moment.

Therapists are out to make me cry. I can assure you, the reader, that my goal is never to make my clients cry. However, most of my clients have spent a lifetime avoiding painful emotional experiences because they have never had a safe place to process them appropriately and effectively. Therapy can create a safe container to experience emotions that previously felt overwhelming or scary. Additionally when working with couples, it is often the vulnerable experiencing and sharing of emotion that creates the building blocks for a stronger bond between two people. So, while it is not my goal to make clients cry, I do my best to create an environment in which it is safe to feel all feelings.

Everything is fine. It is not unusual for me to work with couples where one partner is feeling distress in the relationship while the other partner suggests that nothing is wrong. Often this represents a difference in attachment style where the “everything is fine” is actually a coping strategy used (unconsciously) to avoid confronting what might feel like insurmountable challenges and uncomfortable emotions.

While of course there are many more reasons your partner may not want to engage in couple therapy, the end result of their resistance can create feelings of frustration at best, and hopelessness at worst. So what to do? While no person can single handedly solve the problems created between two people, relationship counseling for individuals can still be helpful for gaining clarity on your own attachment patterns and how you might be impacting your partner, supporting you in distilling and asking for what you need in more effective ways, and creating a safe space to process painful experiences in your relationship without risking further alienation from your partner. Sometimes, engaging in individual relationship counseling can be a stepping stone towards couple therapy as your partner begins to see the positive changes in you that have resulted from your own experiences in therapy.

If you are interested in working your relationship, you can book a free consultation with the Center for Growth and Connection, and learn more about how we may be able to help you.

Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena, CA.