When Your Partner Triggers You
Michelle Cantrell LPCC talks about what to do when our partners trigger us
Transcript
Today I want to talk about the moments when our partners trigger us. It's awful. It happens to everybody and it sucks.
When our partners trigger us, we might become emotionally dysregulated. We might resort to all kinds of behaviors that maybe we don't even feel good about, like shutting down, icing out our partners, maybe withdrawing or instead maybe we lash out, we might criticize, we might get passive aggressive. All of these behaviors are merely coping strategies as a way to deal with the deep pain that we're feeling inside when we are triggered by our partners. And it's a moment where we just lose our emotional equilibrium and we're doing the best we can with whatever tools we have available to us even if they may not be the best tools.
So I wanted to share with you maybe a different tool, a different way of thinking about these moments. And this was a concept first introduced, I believe, by a man named Richard Schwartz, also known as Dick Schwartz, who developed a model of therapy called Internal Family Systems or IFS. And I'm not going to go too much into the foundation of the model, except to say that as a way of dealing with life, basically, we all develop these different parts of us that help us that sort of take over in those moments. And those parts might be a critical part. It might be a shutting down part. It might be an addict part. It might be a perfectionist or a people -pleasing part. You get the idea. But when we feel triggered by our partners, often it hits on some part inside of us that's old and familiar and maybe has been around for a long time and so he encourages folks to look at these moments as an opportunity to see our partners who have just triggered the crap out of us as what he calls our tour mentors and I love that I love that within the structure of the word tormentor is the word mentor what can we learn about ourselves in these moments where we feel tremendous torment. We feel pain. And really then once we can become aware of the pain that we feel inside and maybe a very familiar feeling of not feeling good enough, not feeling like you matter, not feeling like you're a priority, really turning inward to start that process of self -soothing and repairing that pain from within.
And it's not to excuse your partner's behavior or your own. It's not to say that we can't turn to our partners to help us heal ruptures that have happened between us. But it's sort of creating ourselves as the first line of defense to bring in emotional regulation where if I'm feeling like I'm not good enough, something my partner's just done has made me feel not good enough is before I go and share my pain with my partner, I first check in with myself. When did I first feel that way? How long have I felt that way? How have I coped with feeling that way? And what do I need to offer myself as reassurance around the pain of not feeling good enough or around the pain of feeling like I don't matter or I'm not a priority? Can I start with a place of self -compassion and self -soothing to say, oh, you, this little part of me that maybe felt that way from a very young age, I want to start going towards that part and offering the care and love and reassurance that maybe that part didn't get, that gets reactivated every time my partner does something to trigger those feelings.
So the next time your partner triggers you and it will happen look at and then from that maybe better regulated place, then go and share your pain with your partner. Good luck. Thanks.
Michelle Cantrell, LPCC is the Founder and Clinical Director for the Center for Growth and Connection where we specialize in helping clients develop healthier, more satisfying relationships with others and with themselves. We offer telehealth and in-person appointments in Pasadena, CA.