Feeling Uncertain in Your Relationship? Here’s Why Ambivalence Happens

Why am I so uncertain about my relationship? It’s a scary feeling, especially with a long-term partner. Perhaps you’ve always felt a bit unsure about this relationship deep down – and a looming decision about the next level of commitment is bringing your doubts to the surface – or maybe you’re experiencing some new mixed feelings about your partner that weren’t there before. While it can be very tempting to ignore these feelings and hope they go away, I have to warn you that doing so can cause a lot of stress for yourself and for your relationship in the meantime. You’re feeling this way for a reason, so unless something changes, your relationship uncertainty probably won’t either. 

Is ambivalence in a relationship normal, or is there something wrong with me/my partner? I can assure you, feeling unsure about your relationship or your partner is very common. It does not necessarily mean you should break up. If you’re asking yourself why you feel ambivalent about your relationship and what it means for you, keep reading. 

What Is Relationship Ambivalence?

First – what is ambivalence in a relationship context? Relationship ambivalence refers to conflicting or mixed feelings about a relationship. It’s, “I don’t know if I’m happy, but I don’t know if I want to leave.” It can look like feeling very close to your partner one day and then very distant the next.

Ambivalence is different from apathy or indifference. While ambivalence involves conflicting emotions, apathy refers to a total lack of emotion. Indifference means you don’t really care whether or not the relationship continues. While you can care about your relationship and desire to be single simultaneously (ambivalence), you can’t exactly care and not care about your relationship at the same time.

Common Reasons for Feeling Ambivalent

Fear of Being Alone vs. Fear of Commitment

Many individuals find themselves struggling with commitment in a relationship, but here’s the confusing part – that doesn’t mean they’re willing to be on their own. People avoid commitment for all kinds of reasons – fear, trauma, low self-worth – but being single can leave one feeling lonely or insecure, making it hard for them to consider ending their relationship (even if it’s not going anywhere). 

Unresolved Past Trauma or Attachment Wounds

What is the relationship between attachment styles and ambivalence? Someone with an anxious attachment style may simultaneously experience a strong desire for closeness and an intense fear of abandonment, leading to uncertainty about the relationship. Avoidantly attached individuals may distance themselves from their partner, and then feel lonely once they’ve pulled away. Fearful-avoidance creates an obvious issue: this style combines both anxious and avoidant traits, meaning that they may bounce between clinging and withdrawing.

Conflicting Values or Life Goals
It is very possible for two people to be very compatible personality-wise, while also having conflicting values that cause division or life goals that pull them in opposite directions. You may care deeply for your partner and feel very connected to them, but if they don’t find the same things important, or if you can’t see how their vision for the future might align with yours, it’s going to be difficult to confidently commit to them.

Communication Breakdowns or Ongoing Conflict

We’ve talked a lot about communication issues in relationships recently. That’s because almost every couple experiences them at some point to some degree. You may want to stay with your partner, but if you’re having persistent communication issues that your partner doesn’t seem willing to address, you should feel some concern about the future of your relationship.

External Stressors (e.g., job, family, financial pressure)
Unfortunately, relationships are not always as simple as two people who love each other and are compatible. Other factors can get in the way and cause ambivalence. Perhaps you want to be with your partner, but your family does not approve of your relationship. This situation comes with all sorts of hardships – strain on your relationship with family members, stress around family gatherings, and in the most extreme cases even estrangement. Or perhaps the reality of you or your partner’s current life situation is causing conflict in other ways; perhaps one of you has a job that requires you to be away a lot, or a serious financial debt that the other person might not want to take responsibility for. This is different from having conflicting life goals because the situation may not be wanted or permanent, but still can strain the relationship and lead to uncertainty about staying in it. 

A Mismatch in Emotional Needs or Intimacy Levels
It’s a lesson most of us learn at some point: just because you love someone deeply doesn’t mean you’re compatible with them or “right” for each other. The reality is, all people are different and require different things to be healthy, fulfilled and happy. You may really want to make it work, but also not see a way to without one or both of you sacrificing some of your needs.

Idealization vs. Reality of the Partner
Most couples go through some sort of honeymoon phase at the beginning where the relationship feels easy, exciting, and maybe even euphoric. You may find yourself idealizing the relationship and/or your partner – focusing on all of the good, overlooking all of the bad. As the new relationship energy fades away, the flaws or challenges you were ignoring before may come to the surface, leading to a new feeling of uncertainty: is this what I thought it was? It’s normal to see new sides of your partner as you spend more time together and grow closer, and those sides aren’t always going to be so glamorous. The question now is: can you love your partner for who they are, instead of who you thought they were? 

Important to note – I’m talking about projecting an image of who you want someone to be, not concealment or manipulation on the side of your partner. 

How Ambivalence Shows Up in Daily Life

What are some signs of relationship doubt? Below are some ways that ambivalence may show up in your relationship.

You wonder if you and your partner are right for each other.

You imagine breaking up (even when you can’t identify a specific reason to).

You compare your relationship to others or to your own fantasies.

You find yourself frequently thinking about your partner’s “flaws”.

You try to talk yourself into or out of feeling a certain way about your partner.

You feel loving one day and distant the next.

You miss your partner when you’re apart, then feel irritated when you’re together.

You avoid or procrastinate decisions or conversations about the future.

You fantasize about being with other people.

You ask others for their opinion on your relationship/whether or not you should stay together.

You feel tense or anxious around your partner.

You feel like you’re performing in your relationship.

You hold back your true thoughts and feelings to “keep the peace”.

Is Ambivalence a Sign to Leave the Relationship?

If you’re experiencing relationship ambivalence, you’re probably wondering how to know if you should break up or stay. First, I’d like to re-emphasize that experiencing ambivalence is not necessarily a red flag – instead, it’s a signal to pause to reflect. It means that there’s something there that probably needs to be addressed: unmet needs, unresolved fears, untreated emotional wounds, etc. Experiencing ambivalence towards your partner can lead to feelings of fear or guilt, especially if it seems like they aren’t having the same doubts. Just remember, ambivalence does not mean that there’s something wrong with you or your partner. It doesn’t have to be permanent, either. Approaching your ambivalence with curiosity and working through what’s underneath can lead to a deeper connection with your partner, a greater feeling of fulfillment in the relationship – or, maybe ultimately a healthy decision to part ways, that will save you and your partner a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering in the long run.

How Therapy Can Help with Relationship Ambivalence

If you’re experiencing sudden or lasting ambivalence, you may find yourself seeking relationship decision-making help. While no one can tell you whether or not you should stay in your relationship, working with an individual or couples therapist can help you safely explore your doubts and hesitations. Therapy can help you determine whether your uncertainty is a reflection of yourself, your partner, or something else in or outside of the relationship; it can also help you determine whether those factors are resolvable or not. If you’re looking for therapy for relationship doubts, schedule a free consultation with one of our clinicians today.

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If you’re feeling unsure about your relationship, don’t worry. Ambivalence means that some part of you still cares about the relationship, which means there’s something there to work with (note: that’s not to say that there’s no hope for someone experiencing apathy, but certainly moving past ambivalence is easier). Ambivalence can be very frustrating, from either side, but it doesn’t have to last forever. You and your partner can move past this, into a place of abundant, confident love.